So you got a pet.

This implies you also signed up for the most hectic full-time side job of all time: paying for your pet’s unnecessary indulgences. Millennials’ wallets are like black holes for pet food and accessories, and Gen Z is next. Do you really need a $70 bamboo stand to hold your dog’s food bowl? No way. Did you buy it anyhow because your Instagram feed told you it was “aesthetic”? Of course.

This isn’t taking care of a pet anymore; it’s a fever dream on the Target home aisle. Organic feed, chew toys in different seasonal forms, bowtie collars, and litter bins that clean themselves. While you’re out here eating Starbucks for supper and calling it “meal prep,” your pet eats, sleeps, and accessorizes better than you do.

So get ready—we’re going to roast the whole industry that controls your paycheck and your self-respect.

The Pet Food Business Complex

Let’s speak about how crazy it is to choose pet food.

There was a time when “dog food” meant one dusty bag in the aisle. What now? The menu at the Cheesecake Factory is crazy.

• Kibble that doesn’t have any grains or gluten.
• Salmon bites that have been freeze-dried “for the best brain development.”
• Patties made from organic raw materials and brought in from Iceland.
• Fresh meals delivered in cooler packs that are more carefully than Etsy candles.

In the meantime, you’re making ramen noodles and calling it self-care.

A big declaration is coming: In terms of healthy culture, pet food has officially passed human food. Your dog gets a variety of meals every week, as well as probiotics, taurine, and balanced macros. You? You’re living off of what’s left in the fridge and cold brew to stay hydrated.

And guess what? Your pet still sees you as an intern who doesn’t get paid enough.

The Things That Own Your Soul

If you can’t afford meals, you might be crazy if you buy accessories. Why are there more types of products for pets than for people? My pets have more personalized accessories than I do.

Collars? Bowties.
Harnesses? Colors for the seasons.
Beds? They look like tiny couches or teepees that are perfect for Instagram.

Water bottles… my friend, they have mobile hydration stations that appear like they were made by Apple.

Here’s the real kicker: you don’t buy pet accessories. They buy them for you. You aren’t buying a leash; you’re buying social legitimacy at the dog park at 6 p.m. when Karen compliments it while discreetly evaluating your hoodie that has seen better days.

Can we also discuss about toys with themes? There is no dog that needs a noisy toy from Starbucks called a “Pup Cup.” But do you need it for the information? Yes, you do.

The Guilt Marketing That Breaks Bones

The pet business doesn’t sell things. It sells shame.

Don’t want to pay $60 for a heated orthopedic bed? Wow. I guess you don’t care if your pet’s joints fall apart.

Are you thinking about conventional kibble instead of raw, organic, and sustainably sourced food? Congratulations, you’re basically giving your pet poison.

Did you buy a normal collar? Without GPS tracking? Please don’t come to us crying when your dog runs away and joins a biker gang.

Taking care of pets shouldn’t seem like Catholic guilt with squeaky toys, but it does. The marketers know that you’d rather go hungry than risk your cat silently evaluating your Amazon Basics feeding bowl. Spoiler: They still judge.

The Messy Truth About Toys

If you’ve ever spent $80 on toys that your dog rejected right away in favor of a stick he found outside, raise your hand. Yeah, I thought so.

Your pets don’t want your carefully chosen looks. They don’t want the squeaking avocado stuffed animal. They don’t want the sushi roll cushion with catnip in it. They want a box. Random junk from your trash container.

Anything that doesn’t say “exclusive, limited-edition pet collection” on it.

The truth is that the accessories aisle is for you. It’s fashion week for animals that lick their buttocks. Still, you’ll keep buying because nothing makes you feel better than sharing a TikTok of Mittens in her pumpkin sweater for the season. Likes are like treatment.

Admit it: You’re not buying for them.

Here’s the truth:

Pets don’t care about accessories. They sometimes care about food, belly rubs, and chewing on your charger wires till they break.

The water fountain with lights that change color? Not for them.
The $80 soft Donut bed? Not for them.
The squeaky toy that looks like a latte? Not for them at all.

It’s all yours. Your whole pet corner is a reflection of how hard you try to show off your personality. Black silicone bowls that are simple and make you feel sleek? Toy baskets for every season to make you feel unique? Robots that clean themselves so you feel like you have your life in order? Lies. Lies that are completely false.

But hey, pretending to be good at anything counts too.

The Sad Truth About Being a Pet Parent

At the end of the day, pet food and other things are just another way to remind you that your animal roommate is living in luxury while you work hard.

You get paper plates, and they get bowls made just for them. They receive beds with cooling foam, yet you sweat through your $100 Costco mattress. While you DoorDash Taco Bell at 1 a.m., they receive organic chicken stew with no grains.

This isn’t taking care of pets. This is you being owned. And to be honest? You wouldn’t want it any other way.

In conclusion

Congratulations! You just read 1,500 words describing how you spend money on your pet as Bezos buys goldfish.

Your pet doesn’t care about the things you buy for yourself. They’ll still spill their water and snooze in the laundry basket.

But don’t worry—your pet is doing well even though you’re broke and tired.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Now you need to clean that toy your dog gave you. Or don’t. He’ll still love you.