Welcome to your new full-time job

You got a dog, huh? Well done. You are now officially in the “everything I own will now be covered in hair and drool” phase of life.

Do you remember calm mornings? Not there anymore. Do you remember that trip you planned? destroyed.

You thought you were getting a beautiful, loyal companion like in a Disney movie, but what you really got was a four-legged roommate who doesn’t pay rent but wants gourmet meals, spa treatments, and many walks a day like they’re your personal trainer.

Don’t worry; this isn’t meant to scare you. Okay, it is a little. But your odd furry friend is also worth it. You just need to learn how to get through the storm of pet care without crying into your oat milk latte every day.

The Feeding Circus, or “Why You Are Now a Part-Time Chef”

Dogs are like stomachs with legs. Even after eating a lot of kibble, they will still beg for food. And yes, they’ll watch you eat like you’re Gordon Ramsay serving up filet mignon while they sit there choking on “lamb and rice formula” in a sad metal bowl.

Dogs eat in a very dramatic way. Chicken-flavored kibble is great one day. The next day? Betrayal. Susan, what is this junk?

Table crumbs are dangerous. Did you know that one slice of pepperoni pizza can make them sick for three days? Because you’re going to have to learn the hard way.

Drugs are treats. You get one Milk-Bone and all of a sudden you’re in charge of a cartel. Hide the stash like it’s illegal, because they can smell it in the package, in the closet, and behind three doors.

Truth bomb: Having a dog is like having a small, critical food critic who will eat poop if they have to, but don’t you dare scrimp on their $50 kibble bag.

Grooming: Congratulations, you now own a dog day spa!

People remark, “Dogs don’t need much.” Lies. Have you ever met a dog after a stroll in the rain? They look like they fought a monster in the swamp and lost.

Welcome to grooming hell. Time for a bath? It’s a tag-team wrestling match in which one of you gets wet while the other hides behind the toilet.

Trims for nails? Oh, you mean the medieval torture method where your dog howls like you’re killing them, but all you did was touch the clippers?

And don’t even get me started on hair. It’s all over the place. On your bed. On your clothes. In some way, in your fridge.

Want to get your hair done in style? More than $70 a session. More than just your personal haircut—take a second to think about that.

“Do it yourself” bathing at home? Yes, free. But it also ends in total turmoil, with a flooded bathroom and your neighbors criticizing you through the walls.

If you don’t groom your dog, your apartment will soon smell like “Soaked Dog Funk.” Spoiler alert: Febreze can’t help.

Exercise: You Just Hired a Personal Trainer

What do you think? Dogs need to go for walks. Yes, even when it rains. Even while the snow is falling. Even if it’s your third hangover morning this week. Yes, they do. No. Care.

Big dogs: You now have to train for marathons by law.

Small dogs: They still assume they’re huskies for some reason. They’ll bark for five miles, but then at mile two, they’ll fall over abruptly.

Dogs that are lazy: You need to move every day, otherwise they’ll progressively turn into a hairy bean bag chair with blocked arteries.

And don’t assume that throwing a ball for 10 minutes makes up for anything. Cardio is playtime. That means you’re also doing the exercise. Have fun standing in a park like an idiot and watching your dog happily disregard the ball you just threw like it’s an IRS letter.

Interesting fact: dogs don’t know what “work from home exhaustion” means. What do you think? If you’ve been on Zoom for six hours and they want to go for a walk? That meeting is going to end early.

Vet Visits: Where Money and Hope Go to Die

The best thing about having a dog is that you get surprise bills every time their nose is too wet, too dry, too sneezy, or just looks weird.

A regular check-up? At least $150. An emergency when they ate your AirPod because it “smelled interesting”? You recently purchased your vet a new Peloton bike.

There is pet insurance, but it’s complicated and won’t cover half of the strange stuff dogs manage to eat.

Pills? Costly. Shots? Costly. Yearly checkups only to tell you that your dog is “doing fine”? Costly.

The real test of being an adult is going to the vet. Stop eating avocado toast; this is what’s making Gen Z poor.

Training: The “I Said No” Games

Your dog doesn’t care that you paid $300 on obedience classes. That’s the hard truth. They will still leap on Aunt Karen with muddy paws like she’s a WWE wrestler.

Training is all about setting realistic goals:

• They know “sit” until they see a squirrel.
• They know “stay” till you get them snacks.
• They know how to be quiet, but when an Amazon delivery arrives on the porch, your house transforms into a combat zone.

Dogs are little anarchists. Training doesn’t “fix” them; it shows you how to lure them with sweets till you end up being their butler.

The truth is that dogs don’t want to obey; they just want to test how far they can drive you crazy before you give them food.

Emotional Attachment: No More Limits

Having a dog is like living with a roommate that won’t leave you alone. They go with you to the bathroom. They sit on you while you try to sleep. They watch you cry into your pizza rolls at midnight, giving off a feeling of judgment and compassion.

But guess what? They go crazy with happiness every time you come home from Target, as if you had been gone on a three-year tour in Iraq. That’s the deal. Dogs are a furry bundle of unconditional love and craziness.

You will also be the one that takes your dog to brunch terraces in Brooklyn, buys them puppuccinos at Starbucks, and says stuff like, “He’s not spoiled, he’s just well-loved.” (Spoiler: He’s spoilt.)

Conclusion: Your Dog Now Owns You, So Deal With It

Congratulations. You asked for ideas on how to care for your dog, and now you have the complete chaotic circus handbook to canine life.

Taking care of a dog is practically unpaid, never-ending work because of food problems, vet bills, bathroom mishaps, and enough hair to knit three sweaters.

But they’re also the only ones who think you’re Beyoncé when you come back from taking out the garbage.

You might never sleep again, your house might always smell like “wet puppy sadness,” and you might never be able to get your money back from this. But hey. That tail wag is the best return on investment you’ll ever get.