Welcome to the Glamorous Mess of Having Pets

Honestly, grooming pets is like capitalism’s fever dream. First, you get a dog or cat for “companionship” and “love” and to enhance your mental health or anything like that. Three months later, you’re at Petco analyzing how silky a $23.99 cucumber-melon paw balm is. In the meantime, your personal conditioner is still the cheap bottle you bought quickly at CVS during finals week in 2017.

When individuals grow up, they go to pet grooming and supplies to die. You think you’re just brushing fur, but congratulations—you’ve joined a hidden, glitter-filled MLM for Labradoodles that need to be clean. Hold on tight, because today we’re going deep into the cult-like world where animals take better care of their skin than people do. You’ll be wondering not only about your money but also about the decisions you made in life.

Grooming: The Job You Pay Your Pet to Do Full-Time

You thought that brushing and bathing were all there was to grooming? Poor kid in the summer. Grooming is turning into a planned session that needs a lot of work, like a Kardashian’s glam crew.

• Cutting your nails: a ten-minute tussle that usually ends with you bleeding and your cat looking like a killer.
• Brushing: It’s also called the snow globe for your hair in the living room. I hope you like taking lint off your black hoodie every day.
• Bathing: Forget about scented candles; you’re going to have to deal with a 40-pound watermelon that hates water but loves mud puddles.
• Dental care: “Dog breath” isn’t funny anymore, therefore brushing your teeth is “preventative dental care.”
• Shaving: And don’t even get me started on the thought of shaving dogs in the heat. You thought you were helping them, but now your cat looks like a TikTok star who got kicked from the site in the middle of a trend.

While I wait, I’m sitting here with my $7 shampoo bar. Sure, let’s get Mr. Paws some lavender-scented detangler.

The Things That Low-Key Own You

You can go to any store that sells things for pets. Don’t do it, just kidding. You will have a rhinestone leash that you said you “needed” and $200 less.

A hot take: pet supplies are a scam.

• Your cat won’t use the “$40 ergonomic water fountain” since the toilet is much cooler. It’s simply a fancy drinking dish.
• “LED light nail grinder for $28” indicates “torture device with batteries.”
• “Doggy raincoat for $15″—because nothing says “American excess” like dressing your dog in waterproof Patagonia.
• “$10 all-natural oatmeal shampoo”—you’ve never bought organic fruit before, but Spot’s skin barrier is vital to you.

The nicest thing is that they wrap it all up like it’s fancy skin care. Serums for paws. Oils for fur. Conditioners that smell like chamomile and aloe. Bro. He is a dog. He just rolled in raccoon poop.

You Don’t Own a Pet; You Work for Someone Else

Let’s quit acting like we’re not. If you have a pet now, you have to be a live-in hairdresser, chef, and therapist for a little girl with a lot of hair.

Think about it:

• You set up their grooming appointments, but not your own.
• You clean their ears every week, but you don’t clean your own headphones, which are stuck together with old wax.
• You spend $60 for a brush that “reduces shedding,” yet you can’t wash your own sheets more than once a month.

Taking care of pets is very much the same as taking care of people. Why go to therapy when you can worry about if your dog needs paw balm to help him “deal with winter emotionally”?

You might be laughing now, but you’ve probably already bought your pet a costume for Halloween. Yes, it is cute. Yes, it doesn’t make sense.

The Emotional Cost (and Yes, the Smell)

Let’s not fool ourselves: grooming pets isn’t fun; it’s a smelly war zone.

• Eau de Swamp Sludge 2000: the smell of a wet dog.
• Cat litter box residue: scented candles just stopped working in the middle of this fight.
• Fish tank funk: You are now part of a research study.

As you pour yourself another glass of cheap Pinot, you wonder, “Did I choose this life, or did it choose me?” Spoiler: You made the choice when you put the golden retriever dog in your Instagram story.

We should also discuss about the emotional ups and downs. You could have used the extra $75 to pay for your car, but you didn’t. Instead, you bought CBD soothing nibbles for your dog since he was “separation anxiety.” You deal with your own separation anxiety by sipping plain iced coffee and rejecting it.

For the Love of Fur, Does It Matter?

The sad truth is that pets don’t care. They have tools for grooming, equipment, and fancy shampoos. Don’t. Care.

• What toy does your dog like best? That dirty sock you almost threw away.
• The scratching post for your cat? Your $800 couch is fine, thanks.
• You know that toothpaste that costs a lot and tastes like chicken? LOL. The garbage behind Taco Bell tastes better.

Your pet just wants to lay in the sun or ruin your Wi-Fi router as you look for “DIY paw-sanitizing wipes” on Pinterest.

But hey, whatever helps you feel better, right?

In the End

Congratulations! Your pet has hired you.

Wow, you got this far. A lot of clapping. Not because you’re now more aware, but because you clearly have difficulties putting things off and will do anything to avoid folding laundry. Same here, buddy.

So, here’s the deal: it will cost you money, time, and your sanity to take care of your pet and buy items for them. But it’s okay, because when your pet looks at you with those dumb, loving eyes covered in $20 conditioner? You will swear it was worth it.

And then he’ll roll around in the mud right away.