The Nightmare of Grooming Cats

You assumed that owning a cat would mean cuddling that made you purr, cute moments that you could post on Instagram, and maybe a weird roommate vibe without having to pay rent. No. You signed up for daily emotional gaslighting in the guise of a cat, and if you’re foolish enough, you also signed up for the tragedy that is cat grooming.

You, my brave but foolish buddy, are going to find out that cleaning a cat is like trying to wash a Jaws sequel in your bathroom sink. Spoiler alert: one of you is going to get hurt, and it’s not the cat.

Let’s talk about the art (read: nightmare) of grooming cats so you can really lose your mind.

The False Idea That Grooming a Cat Is “Self-Care”

Someone who said “grooming is bonding time” definitely didn’t have a cat. They probably have one of those golden retrievers that look like they just got cast in a toothpaste ad. What about cats? No. Cats see grooming as an exorcism, but you’re the demon.

It’s time to be honest: cats already clean themselves. All the time. Very loudly. At three in the morning, when you thought everything was OK. But it seems that we still have to brush fur, clip claws, and clean up strange butt smudges on the couch (don’t lie, you’ve seen it).

This is what “self-care” for cat grooming truly means:

• Free exfoliation, which is when your claws go across your arm.
• A cardio workout is running around your apartment in socks to catch your cat.
• Therapy, but for $200 less and a lot worse.

And let’s be honest: if you wanted to take care of a pet in a relaxed way, you would have gotten a fish.

Brushing: The First Step to Pain

You say to yourself, “I’ll just brush my cat.” How hard can it be? Hah. Cue the laugh of the bad guy.

Brushes make cats feel bad. Some cats can handle it for about 12 seconds. After that, they go into “feral gremlin mode.” Out of nowhere, this little ball of fluff turns into a full-fledged UFC fighter on your wrist, as if you had insulted their ancestors.

Brushing a cat goes through these steps:

1. Hopefulness: You bought a nice brush. Maybe one TikTok suggested it. Life is great.
2. Hope: When you gently stroke their back, Kitty starts to purr. Is this really working?
3. Betrayal: They look at you like you just breached the law.
4. Teeth: Violence. Claws. A mess.
5. Acceptance: You looked up “is bleeding under the fingernail normal” on Google.

And when you finally get all the horrible tumbleweeds of fur? Well done. You have enough fluff to make a whole new kitty now. Have fun.

How to Lose Fingers Gracefully: Nail Trimming

Ah, yes, cutting cat nails. It’s like the Hunger Games for pet maintenance. You think you’re good at something? Cats will make you feel small. One mistake and you’re suddenly in an episode of ER.

Things that average people need to know:

• Cat claws are not the same as nails. They are daggers, and your cat understands how to use them like John Wick.
• That lovely “kitty burrito wrapping” method that everyone online says to do? Good luck telling your landlord why there are claw-shaped holes in your blankets now.
• Quick tip: If you accidently strike the quick (the blood vessel inside the nail), you’ve practically called the cat mafia. Your cat will never forgive you. Ever.

I tried to cut my cat’s nails by myself once. When I say “clip,” I mean that I looked someone in the eye, said a little prayer, and then gave up the scissors to keep my dignity.

The lesson is that you should get someone else to clip your nails unless you want to die. Some things are just for specialists who wear hazmat suits to work.

Bath Time = Emotional Pain

This is the one that no one warns you about. You shouldn’t give your cats baths very often because they normally take care of their own hygiene (like when they lick their butts for 40 minutes during your Zoom calls). But occasionally, life throws you a calamity, like a mud puddle or your smart cat rolling in their own poop like an influencer performing a dirt mask collab.

When you give your cat a bath, it’s like going to war:

1. Step 1: Fill the bathtub. You have hope and courage. Most likely foolish.
2. Step 2: Put the cat in the tub. Screaming chaos right away.
3. Step 3: Watch as fur attaches to every surface in your house, even your ceiling fan.
4. Step 4: Understand that you are wet, bleeding, and your cat now hates you on a spiritual level.

And by the way, “special cat shampoo” is just $12 soap that makes everything smell like you knitted lavender while you were sad. I do not suggest this at all.

Grooming Is Like Therapy You Didn’t Sign Up For

To be honest, grooming your cat isn’t about cleaning them. It’s about making you feel bad so they can keep being the furry dictator of your home. Every time you try to brush, trim, or clean your cat, it reminds you that they don’t need you. They just put up with you.

Yes, you could “make it fun with treats.” Or “start slow with short sessions.” But let’s be honest: you’ll still have to bribe them with 47 crunchies and say, “I love you, please don’t hate me forever.”

You should be taking good care of your pet, but instead you’re crying in the bathroom because your furball is acting like you waterboarded them with tepid tap water. And you’ll still post about it on Instagram with the hashtag “#SelfCareSunday,” even if you almost lost an eye.

The End

So, you want to take care of your cat. Sweet. Courageous. Crazy. You might have been watching reality TV or surfing through TikTok, but instead you chose to get fur, scrapes, and shame.

If you made it through this blog, congratulations! You now have the same crazy energy as every cat parent who has ever yelled “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS” at 2 a.m.

Does taking care of your cat include grooming it? Yes, in a way. Is it also trauma? Yes, that’s right. Have fun, anyway. And don’t forget to grab band-aids.