So you got a pet, huh?

You are a true hero. Congratulations. You just got a pet, thus your spare time, floor space, and sanity are all gone now. What made you do this, really? Were there TikTok videos showing golden retrievers behaving good? Or maybe your roommate, lover, or kid’s “I promise I’ll take care of it” spiel that they will not.

It doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you accomplished it. Now comes the fun part: fretting every time it sneezes, Googling “is it normal if my cat won’t eat for 6 minutes,” and slowly learning that this is less like a “cute Disney montage” and more like “survival mode.”

But don’t worry; I have some advice for taking care of your pet that will help you get through the tough times of being a new pet owner without going crazy (or losing your whole security deposit).

Food: Pizza Rolls Aren’t a Healthy Diet

Stop acting like your pets can live on the leftovers from your Postmates order. Yes, your dog will eat half a Dorito off the couch cushion and act like it was a fancy meal, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for them. There is a reason why there is actual pet food (and no, “sharing your vegan lifestyle” does not count as balanced nutrition—we see you).

How to not ruin their health right away:

• Get real dog or cat food. The kind that comes with labels, not leftovers.
• Try to stick to a feeding schedule. When you feed your dog in a chaotic way, the restroom issue will be chaotic also.
• No, you can’t “just give them chocolate.” You don’t want to have to explain that ER expense.

As a side aside, you can now get pet food delivered via subscription in 2025. Your pet’s groceries are now more steady than yours.

Grooming: Your Apartment Will Become America’s Hair Factory

You thought brushing your golden doodle once a month would be enough? So cute. Welcome to a world where your dog sheds, leaves dandruff, and has hair clumps so big you might start naming them like Pokémon.

• Dogs? Give them a bath every three to four weeks, not every six months when they smell like a gym shoe that has been left behind.
• Cats? You think they can handle it, but brushing them protects your furnishings (and your soul).
• Nails? Before your hardwood floors appear like they’ve been ravaged by Wolverine, get them trimmed.

Don’t try to cut your own nails if you’re a coward. Give someone money. One lousy clip and all of a sudden your dog is looking at you like you’re the bad guy in its story while you clutch its bleeding paw.

Exercise: Because Zoomies at 3 a.m. Don’t Count as Cardio

Breaking news: pets have energy. What a shock. If you don’t walk, play, or wear them out in general, they’ll get back at you by ruining your shoes, couch cushions, or sanity.

• Dogs? They need to go for real walks. A lap around the mailbox doesn’t count.
• Cats? They may look lethargic, but give them a laser pointer and watch them become Olympic sprinters in 30 minutes.
• Hamsters? If you don’t get them that wheel, you’ll hear them plan their escape at 1 a.m.

But let’s be honest: the “exercise” is just as much for you as it is for them. If you’ve been working from home for two years and think “walking to the fridge” is cardio, congratulations! Your dog is now your lone personal trainer.

Health: Vets Are Like Pet Therapists Who Charge You Rent

You know that tiny thing called a vet? Yes, make appointments before your pet starts to wheeze like a broken harp. Taking care of your cat before they faint from stress at 4 a.m. is better than waiting till you’re Google “do cats faint from stress??”

Things you should really do (instead of acting like you didn’t read this):

• Get insurance for your pet. When Fluffy eats a sock, your bank account will be happy.
• Even if Karen from Facebook argues otherwise, vaccines are important.
• Don’t look up your pet on WebMD. Every search result on Google finishes with “they’re dying right now.”

Yes, vet costs are obviously highway robbery, but they’re one of those things that are always worth it, like therapy for your dog.

Training: Pets Can Learn

Don’t just “know” what you want. Pets can’t read minds, but sometimes I think my cat is planning my demise. You don’t have a funny, crazy gremlin if you don’t train them; you have a roommate who poops in the corner and chews on your headphones.

The basics of training are:

• Dogs adore treats and praise, which is the same thing as bribes. Give them bribes a lot.
• Good luck with the cats. It’s really 70% vibes and 30% them agreeing not to mess up your day.
• Being consistent is key. If you let your pug growl at the Amazon guy on Monday but yell at him on Tuesday, you are the problem.

A word of warning: training isn’t cute Instagram stuff; it’s a lot of the same thing over and over again. But what if you don’t have it? Goodbye to your social life, your furniture, and your neighborly kindness.

Save Your Wi-Fi Router From Becoming a Chew Toy: Mental Stimulation

Pets become bored, and when they do, they break things. Who do you think receives the blame? You. Not the animal. You.

What do you do?

• Like a carnival worker, throw toys at them.
• Make activities that add to the fun (like hiding peanut butter all over the place like a crazy person).
• Change over their toys every now and again so they don’t get tired of the same noisy duck.

If you don’t pay attention to this portion, your $1,200 MacBook charger will suddenly become the most intriguing chew toy in the house.

Conclusion: You did it! You took in the chaos.

So, yes, having a pet isn’t just about cuddling and making TikTok videos. It’s hair tumbleweeds, vet costs that feel like ransoms, and you being weary all the time yet strangely thrilled about it.

Pets can be dirty, needy, and even betray you (I’m looking at you, cats), but they are also the most innocent and funny things you’ll ever have in your life.

Anyway, good job getting this far without getting another one while you were reading. (Or did you already open another tab with Petfinder? Be honest.)