When did my dog get an app before I did?

Do you remember when apps were just for Instagram filters and writing angry messages on X (previously Twitter, but whatever)? Well, here’s a twist: your pet now has its own app to help them stay healthy, but you, an adult human, still forget to make an appointment with the dentist. Welcome to the wonderful world of pet health apps, where you can keep track of Fluffy the cat’s vaccinations, weight, and excrement all in one place while you look up “can ibuprofen expire?” at 2 a.m.

It seems that in 2025, taking care of your pet means that your dog has a higher chance of staying healthy than you do, and your cat’s calorie consumption is watched more closely than your own shopping spending. But isn’t it fun to be humbled by a Labrador’s mobile health dashboard?

Who Made These Things? (Probably a Bored and Rich Person)

Let’s just beat around the bush: a guy from Silicon Valley who used to house-sit for his roommate’s hamster and thought, “What if AI tracked the vet visits?” plainly came up with pet health applications.

Now we have:

• Apps that tell you when your dog’s shots are due.
• There are “premium plans” that you may sign up for that let you log poop analysis.
• Things that say they can read your cat’s mood like it’s the stock market.

Where is the app that reminds me to terminate my Hulu trial before it costs me for another month? No, but let’s make one for Fido’s flea and tick calendar.

Spoiler alert: there’s nothing like an app buzzing you at brunch to say, “Your pet needs a deworming pill!” while you eat your $18 avocado toast and think about all the bad choices you’ve made in your life.

The Guilt Factor: These Apps Are Tougher Than a Vet Tech

You thought this was simply an app to remind you? No. Digital guilt-tripping is what pet health apps do, and they do it better than Catholic grandmothers.

“It’s been 182 days since your pet’s last visit.” (Why does that sound like a notice of a bank overdraft?)

“Fluffy has gained 0.6 pounds. Are you sure about those extra treats?” (Oh wow, now I’m body-shaming my cat?) Brave.

“Heartworm medicine is late.” Thanks for adding stress to supper tonight. Hey, I don’t need push notifications informing me that I let my dog down while I’m scrolling through TikTok and waiting for my Amazon purchase to arrive. I know I’m a bad person since I haven’t made an appointment for my yearly check-up since Obama’s first term.

Are They Helpful? Yes, sadly

The most aggravating thing is that these apps really do assist. They keep track of your doctor appointments, keep your medical history safe, and occasionally even put you in touch with a vet chat like Uber for emergencies. Which is excellent, because Fluffy definitely waits until 11:47 p.m. on a Sunday to throw up after chasing a moth.

Things they can do in real life:

• Keep track of your dog’s medications so you don’t give them too much, like in a scary movie.
• Let you know when it’s time for your immunizations.
• When you show your vet the reports, you’ll look like the most responsible pet parent ever.

Okay, I’ll confess it. It’s like having all my pet care problems in one app is a savior. But do I like the idea that my cat gets better medical care than I do? No. No, I don’t.

Subscription Hell: Because Nothing Is Free Anymore

Did you really think these life-saving features were free? So funny. Welcome to Pet Health App: Premium Edition! Monthly plans cost around the same as the medicine your pet needs. The free version has reminders and basic notes.

Paid version: “AI poop analysis,” charts, and personalized suggestions like “stop feeding your cat shrimp.”

Ultra Deluxe version: a real vet hotline, because it seems like no one knows how to merely call the vet.

So, yes, now you have to pay for another membership, which is in between Netflix, Spotify, Disney+, and that fitness app you promised you would use.

[Side rant: Does my dog really need a wellness tracker that uses AI? No. Am I going to pay $15 a month because I’m scared of being called a “bad pet parent”? Of course.

The Dark Truth: We Are Basically Our Pets’ Secretaries

Let’s face it: our pets don’t really need an app. They don’t care about graphs or schedules for vaccines or their bowel motions. Who cares? We. The sad, overly worried people who now run whole calendars to make sure “Princess Sprinkles” gets her next dose of flea medicine.

In 2025, having pets implies being their full-time personal assistant:

• Do you have an appointment with the vet? Scheduled.
• Boosters for vaccines? Notified.
• Mood records? Written down.
• They look at poop like it’s the Rotten Tomatoes area of their stomach.

In the meantime, you—you neglected to get real groceries, so you’re eating instant ramen. You did it! You are now an unpaid intern for your pet.

Yes, get the app, in conclusion

You shouldn’t expect respect.

So, which app for pet health should you get? To be honest, any of them. They all do the same thing: annoy you, make you feel guilty, and somehow keep you from forgetting something important about your pet’s care. They won’t make things less chaotic, but they will at least keep them structured.

If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations: you care more about your pet’s health than your own. Your dog’s medical records are now better than those of your last three relationships, and your cat’s feces is recorded in more detail than your therapy notes. But at least you’ll feel good about yourself when your vet requests for documents again and you can say, “Oh yeah, I’ve got the data right here, Karen.”

And isn’t that what we all want?